Cecylia had her six month off treatment scans on Wednesday (10/23) and we got the results the next day (yesterday). Praise God, she continues to be cancer free! It was an extremely nerve racking experience. Every time we go through scans, it’s like a whole new experience. I’m always nervous to get the results, so that’s the same. But, how I feel after I get the results has differed the last three times. The first scans were when she just finished treatment, then the three month scans in July, and now the six months scans. The first time, I was really scared for Cecylia to be off chemo, it had become this kind of safety net with which I knew she was safe from cancer. Chemo was awful and I was happy I could stop putting poison into my child, but it was also keeping her safe. For the three month scans, I was incredibly excited and optimistic. I felt like I was on top of the world – like I couldn’t get any higher. This time I was so emotionally drained. It was a little similar to the first scans, but I wasn’t really feeling scared as much as I was left feeling… Well, I can’t name this emotion. Of course, I’m beyond happy, and I’m definitely focusing on the present (as in, I’m not worrying about the nine month scans – yet), but this time the anxiety didn’t wash away quite as quickly. The nervousness and exhaustion aren’t completely gone. They are fading as I let the happiness take over. I guess the stress has just wiped me out.
Cecylia and Ainsley were so happy to hear the news! Cecylia literally started to dance and I know that Ainsley was happy to hear the news as well. It’s so nice that they don’t really understand the gravity of scans, yet. They understand that the CT scan takes a picture to make sure that her cancer hasn’t come back, but they haven’t realized that they’re supposed to be nervous as they await the results. I’m happy that they don’t feel this way and that we don’t let on that we are feeling that way either. That’s probably the hardest and easiest part. Keeping on a mask so that they don’t know how upset I am at scan time is hard. But, during scans, the only time I can truly let go of all the fear and just enjoy the moment is when I’m with the girls. Now that scans are over, I’m going to let the anxiety continue to fade and get back to enjoying our life again without having to put on a mask.
Thank you to all that continue to follow our journey and pray for Cecylia to remain forever cancer free!