Friday, March 21, 2014

I know I haven’t been on here for an eternity, but I just haven’t known what to say. I have so many feelings about things, but I can’t always adequately express the complexity of my feelings. I’m so all over the place.

I want to start by saying that Cecylia and Ainsley are doing so well! They are both happy, healthy, smart and wonderful children – acting just like normal almost 4 and 5 year olds. Which means, most of the time I’m so proud of them. And some of the time, I wondering how my little angel can have such a monstrous tantrum! Yay for normal kids!

My conflicting feelings come from the fact that my worries and anxieties never go away. They haunt me, really. Invading my thoughts at the most inopportune and random times. But then, I also see how wonderful Cecylia is doing and realize I need to be thankful for where she is right now. I cannot live in the past or constantly worry about the future. Except, that is way easier said then done.

The real reason I haven’t been writing is because I’m usually inspired when I’m particularly emotional. I’m a member of a few virtual cancer mom support groups on Facebook. These are amazing forums for me to share and feel like others truly understand me. However, I see and hear about newly diagnosed families, families facing relapse, and some families losing a child to this awful disease. It puts all my worries and anxieties into perspective and I don’t always feel like my worries about the unknown should be shared, when others’ realities are so scary right now. I know I’m always going to worry. But, part of me wishes that I wouldn’t give cancer that much power. That I could push my fears aside and use my energy for something more positive. Like raising awareness and funds for pediatric cancer research. Not to change the subject, but I’m so proud of the work that has been done by my family, friends, and colleagues. We (and I definitely don’t mean I, because most of the money was raised by others – I was merely a coordinator) were able to raise $1,000 for a newly diagnosed family and just over $5,000 for CureSearch (a wonderful organization that raises money solely for pediatric cancer).

So, I used to come on here and just really let it all out. I still want to do that (all the time), but right now I just can’t let cancer do that! I feel it everyday and I can’t control those feelings (I’ve tried). But, I can control my actions: I want to focus on Cecylia’s good health, but never forget about those starting the fight, continuing the fight, or those families that have lost a dear child to this awful disease.

Please continue praying for Cecylia and Ainsley physical and emotional health – I’m so proud of how well they have come out on the other side if this battle! Please also pray for ALL the children diagnosed with cancer!

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